Monday, March 26, 2012

Will I ever look like a girl again?

Coffee of the Day - Salted Caramel Pecan

Well I just got home from the hospital after having the first round of scans done. I am so blessed to have the most kind and friendly people at the hospital we use. They are always so very nice to me and that really does make such a big difference, especially as often as I am there.

David cut my hair yesterday to get ready for chemo. (photo taken this a.m. at hospital) it's not just short, it's pretty much a buzz cut, but with little spikey bits poking up here and there. oh my. I don't resemble anything female anymore. look like some odd creature that is asexual. if I weren't wearing pink crocs and a pink hoodie, you wouldn't know exactly WHAT I was...... once all of my hair is gone, no one will be able to tell if I'm a girl, boy, cat, dog, hedgehog, or elephant.....sigh. but you will look at me and think, 'oh my, that person is SICK'.

I have never ever wanted to be defined by my illnesses, whatever they were - whether it was my seizures or chronic fatigue or my tremors (that have gotten really bad lately) or the cancer. but we as humans can't help it. you see a woman without any hair and your mind automatically thinks 'chemo/cancer/sick'. I do it, we all do it. and I do NOT want cancer to be all that I am. I will NOT let cancer be all that I am.

So many people have told me that I need to journal about all I am going through, so David was so nice and let me buy a Smash book when I was at the grocery store the other night. They just happened to have a brand new display of the Smash products, well at least I think it was a new display. I hadn't been to the grocery store in forever. So of course I grabbed the pink one after calling Dave to ask him about it. I've got the cover almost completely decorated. I'll post it as soon as it's finished. I've been working on some journaling tags for the inside. Have forwarded a few photos off to Walmart that Dave will pick up for me later so I can add those as well. All of the cards I've received will go inside. I think this book will help me a lot. I have a few stamp sets I want to pick up for this - some Unity Brave Girl and She Art, Saturated Canary, MFT Fight Like a Girl, and a few others. they seem to fit so well what I am going through and what I want to say.

I never did mention it, but over the weekend, Ryan was in the HS musical. They did 'The Wizard of Oz' and he had several parts. I was able to go yesterday. how wonderful to get out, not only to see Ryan & his friends do such a wonderful job, but to catch up with so many great friends of ours as well.

I'll post again after chemo on Wed. and I see how I do.
Love to all of you! Jennifer


terriavidreader (IN-USA) said...

Now is the perfect time to master make-up!! Really doll those eyes up, try new blusher and wear lipstick! And IF you lose your hair, master those kerchiefs too. It will make you feel much better, and you will learn (or improve) a new skill! Hang in there!

Jessica Buffa said...

What a lovely post Jennifer. I am so excited to see your Smash Journal. Fantastic that Ryan had the musical, and the Wizard of Oz is super!!! I bet him and his friends are totally pumped about Prom, too. I look forward to following along with you on this journey...and you are still as beautiful as you were yesterday and the day before. Your smile shows how wonderfully gorgeous you are and, hair or no hair will take that from you! I have a digi that made me think about you. If you want me to send you the jpeg...let me know at me email (strgazrblueyes22477 at yahoo)and I can forward it on to you since it was a freebie given out by my sweet friend Yolie. Also, if you don't already know about LUFP (Link Up For Pink)...there are some amazing people making cards and joining in some cool giveaways to support cancer! Hugz,

Linda Wescott said...

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this Jenni, a journal sounds a very good idea. I hope this first round of chemo goes well, and you're not too poorly after. Please email me your address, (in my profile)I'd love to send you a card. Looking forward to seeing your smash book. Keeping you in thought. Hugs lin

Diane (djuseless) said...

Jen, I have some knitted cotton chemo hats that I made that are looking for a good home. If you would like them, please email me your mailing address and I will send them to you. If they don't fit, please share them at the hospital.

Thinking of you!


Purple Card Lady said...

Hi Jennifer, cancer isn't who you're a child of God. You are soooooooo much more than cancer.

You should journal. I journal and have done so since I was a little kid and it has help me through a lot. I think looking through your journal years from now will show you what a strong lady you are. God bless and you are in my prayers and thoughts. :-)

Jennifer said...

Dear Jennifer,
Being feminine isn't just about hair! I know I'd hate to loose mine to, but to see your beautiful face, you don't look anything like a boy! I think its fantastic to collect your memories and thoughts together! Hugs as you go for chemo soon.

Suzie McFloozy said...

My darling you look beautiful still - that smiling face with it's pink cheeks radiates the beautiful girliness you hold inside x
So glad you have a journal to document your path - I will make you some little tags and bits and peices for it when I get some time :)
Love to you all and, of course, I will be thinking and praying for y'all on Wednesday x
((hugs)) Suzie xoxo

Rhonda Miller said...

I'm glad to see you're keeping your spirits up. I can't wait to see your pages in your Smash Book.
You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Elizabeth Hart said...

I think you are beautiful with or without hair, Beauty is in the heart and your heart is full. Looking forward to seeing your smash book, Elizabeth (DT Sister at PIO)

Renee B. said...

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!(no matter what your hair looks like you are beautiful inside & out!) Be strong my friend!
If you feel comfy sending it, I too would like your mailing address.

Tlc Creations said...

Your inner beauty shines through and shows everyone who you are....a beautiful woman of God.....You are always in my prayers.

Jennette Warren said...

Hi Jennifer!!! I hope the first round of chemo is kind to you!!
Stay full of hope and strength!
You are in my thoughts and prayers!! Surround yourself with those you love and care for you!!!!
if you ever need to talk or just say hello here is my email

zehra said...

I wish you a speedy recovery, love, zehra

Tracey said...

You do look feminine Jennifer! I think David did a great job & that short hair really suits you.
What a great idea to do a Smash book & hopefully it will be therapeutic.
Take care.
Love ya!

Mary J said...

I love your funky haircut Jennifer! Look at that wonderful smile on your face - you're shining outside even if it's hard to feel like that inside all the time.

Thinking of you

Mary x