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Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Can't seem to find the sunshine...

for a crafty card related post, scroll down to the next one or click here.

Today it doesn't feel as if the sun is shining. I can see it outside my window, but I just don't FEEL it. have you had days like that before? I'm sure you have. we all do. and I've learned enough in these almost 50 years that the feelings like this will pass, thankfully, but while they are here they suck eggs big time.

Even though I have spent most of this summer alone, I'm hit once again as my guys prepare to head back to college. Tyler leaves tomorrow and Mick leaves on Sunday. Ryan is staying home for a year to go to a local community college. He gave up a year of traveling with Up with People to be home with me. I can't even begin to tell you the enormous amount of guilt I feel over that one. Thankfully they have kept a spot open for him for next year because of the circumstances, and for that I am most grateful. It also allows him more time for fundraising, but it still stinks that he put his life on hold because of me. I have to say once again that I am so very proud of my sons. :)

I have an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon on Monday about my shoulder. in the mean time I have pain medication that helps a little to give me some movement. Don't like the idea of more surgery/hospitals/medical stuff, but can't really avoid it these days. really don't want to start radiation treatments either, but right now don't even know when that is going to be. have to get this shoulder stuff done first. gosh, I'm so very weary of health ick. and so very weary of feeling so rotten.

I've been living in my flannel pants & t-shirts & hoodies since the winter. don't even recognize photos of me with hair on my head. it seems like another person entirely. I don't even remember those days anymore. Tried going for a quick trip to Wal-Mart yesterday and Tyler had to drive back. I was hanging on to the cart just to get through the store within 20 min. of arrival. this is getting so old. again, I'm just weary. do you see the sun over there? please tell me it's still around and someone feels it..... I need to know that it's there for someone, even if I can't feel it.....


Joan Bardee said...

Jennifer, just earlier today I was wondering how you maintain this nonstop sunny disposition. I am so glad you felt comfortable sharing your sadness.

Yes, the sun is there. It is in your sons' hearts. Accept their love and know that you have accomplished more by raising them well than most of us accomplish in our lifetimes.

I think of you every day and always make sure to check your blog to see how you are doing. You deserve to scream and yell as what you are going through is not fair.

My heart goes out to you and I hope hope you get relief from the pain and can see the sun again very soon.

Ardilla said...

Some days could be harder than others but remember God will be always for you when you need Him. He makes the sun warm up all of us although some days we can´t feel it. It's really nice from your son to stay with you, don´t feel bad, you were there for him many times and now is his time to be with you, is his choice :)
I send you a big hug and my prayers and thougths are with you :)

Rhonda Miller said...

Oh Jen, I know these are some of the hardest days. I am constantly thinking of you and keeping a prayer in my heart. I know the sun is shining and you'll be able to feel it again. Hugs to you.

Pam said...

The sun is shining and I have faith that you will feel it soon. Everyone has days like this and nobody deserves to have one more than you do. You are always so full of faith and strength, but even the strongest sometimes feel overloaded. Your post always make me smile and know that my petty problems are just that, petty. You struggle with so much illness and setbacks that I don't see how you stay so upbeat. I know that the strength of the Lord will see you through this day and the days ahead. {{{HUGS}}}

Anonymous said...

Hello jennIfer. I live in my pj's! I have m.e. and find them more comfortable then normal clothes. I too look in the mirror some days and go who are you? You didnt look like that 4 years ago! Like you i have had days were the sun doesnt shine in my day. But their is always something in your life that can bring a ray of sunshine. Even the smallest thing. You are such an inspiration to me. I only discovered your blog through party time tuesday and i was touched by you story. In fact i was touched by it so much that i have requested to be part of the blog hop in your honour.
I hope that you feel some of that sunshine returning to you soon.
Thinking of you.
Hatty :) xxxx

Penny said...

Oh, Sweetie, I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. It must seem unimaginably hard. But I will tell you not to feel guilty about your son. He was born to you for a reason, you know. Part of that reason seems to be to help you through this. This is something he needs to do, not something you need for him to do. So let the guilt go! That will bring back the sunshine.
Sending you gargantuan hugs,

Anonymous said...

Jennifer hunny! your sunshine is in your heart and family! It must be hard to feel it some days but I know that the days you don't see the sunshine it is just waiting to pop out from a cloud again! even the sun needs a little rest time too!
LOVE n Hugs hunny xx

Jennifer said...

Jennifer, just remember that even though the suns warmth doesn't seem to penetrate, that the warmth of those you love will keep you from freezing.
Sometimes I feel like you do, looking out my front window, and then a couple of days ago I realized that there was a sunflower blooming just outside. Just one of God's little reminders that He is there and may His love warm your heart today to!

Nancy said...

Dear, Sweet, Jennifer... I truly wish you never had to deal with any of this. Don't feel badly for your son staying home with you ~ I know how you feel about taking this time from him, but you are giving something far more precious... the opportunity for him to be there for you. He will cherish that for the rest of his life. You are a giver, and a mom, so this goes against your nature, I know. But accepting sacrifice from someone who loves you so much is as much of a gift for him as it is for you. I know how much it would've meant to me if I had done that for my mom when she was suffering.

God bless you and your beautiful boys ~ and I hope you feel the sun again soon. oxoxo

Sharon Page said...

Hello Jennifer,
Here's sending you warm sunshine, singing birds, and lots of hugs & well wishes to make it through your non-sunshining days there. You are an inspiration to so many of us crafters and, as a mom of young ones, I am also inspired by your boys and how well they are doing (and the love you obviously poured into their lives as they were young).
Sometimes hearing from others helps brighten up the day, so I'll remind you that God is holding you in the palm of His hand and He will never let you go.
Wishing you brighter days (and better health),

Tracy said...

Hmmm? I'd say we just read about some boys who truly love their mother and even at a young age can see what's most important. Don't feel guilty, just blessed. Oh yes, the Son is shining on, in, through, and around you my friend. Hugs!

Shelly Schmidt said...

Thinking of you today and I will keep you in prayers! One of my reflections today 'Trust Me', and do not be afraid..... I want you to view trials as exercises designed to develop your trust muscles. Fear is one of Satan's favorite weapons......
Well, soon you will have bigger and bigger muscles- and I think you are so very brave and so very giving to share your experience with others- you are reaching so many people! Bless you!

Lorraine A said...

I hope the comemnts before have let some sunshine in for you me darlin xx I know this time is very hard for you but you have a loving family and friends and everyone is there to pick you up when you feel down in the dumps xx
You are going through so much it is OK and normal to have these feelings and it is OK to feel sorry for yuorself and have a little cry too xx

Sending you HUGE HUGS and hope your Dr helps with the shoulder pain xx

Lols x x x

Liva said...

Yes there is a sunshine - I look at it right now through my window - even if it rains as well - I do hope there's going to be a rainbow afterwards :)
Being a wife of a man who works abroad it feels like sun is always away, but whenever we talk on phone or skype, it just makes me think that some rays of sun have traveled all over several countries to brace me. Oh and there are those little sunny bunnies - my girls! I do feel a bit old right now, cause my oldest starts to go to school in a week :)
I hope my blabbing took your mind bit away from your own thoughts!
Liva ❤

craftjunkiesc said...

Sweetie, I know it's little consolation to you, but 'this too shall pass'. Again, speaking from experience here. I remember taking that same trip to Walmart. Just leaning on the cart from the front of the store to the back made me feel like I'd run a marathon (not that I know what THAT'S like at all). And I know the TREMENDOUS guilt you have from you child/loved one putting their life on hold to be with you. My husband shut down his dream restaurant to take care of me. My daughter recently told us she stopped looking for other jobs so she could stay close to home while I was in treatment (not to mention depleted her savings traveling back & forth). I know it's hard to just roll with the punches right now cuz those punches are knocking you for a loop. I keep you in my prayers as you move on with your treatment & your impending surgery. Hoping that eternal sunshine finds it's way back to your beautiful face.

Cath said...

You are dealing with so much right now. So much of your life is completely outside of your control, and that's just so challenging and frustrating. I shared your story with my physical therapists and my surgeon recently, and none of them could fathom having cancer on top of the necessity of rotator cuff repair surgery. But I suppose we must live with the cards we are dealt, and even though the surgery is tough, it will make your arm whole again, over time, and you'll get to the point where there's no pain there anymore whatsoever.

I'm so glad that you feel comfortable enough with us to share your pain and frustration. For we are here to lift you up with our love, and to shower you with good wishes. Whenever you need it, we'll be here for you.

Take care, my friend.

ThePurplePlace said...

I am so sorry....and wish so much you did not have to fight this battle and the the win line was much closer.

I greatly admire your son, for wanting to be near you and that's one thing I know we have talked about many times...our love for our boys and how lucky we both are to have them.

It's also nice to know that his spot is being held, and I am also happy to hear that "good" news! Please know I'm thinking of you every day and sending lots of prayers...I have not been online very much lately, but it in now way has any effect on how often I think of you!!

Hoping the Blog Hop and Stamp Sale is a HUGE Success! Best wishes for all things HAPPY !!

Hugs and Happy Thoughts,

Anita said...

I am days behind in my blogging. Sending hugs! I know that feeling well. It has been crazy busy here. My son is starting his senior of college and setting up his first house. My daughter starts her senior year in High School so I know how you feel when all seem to be leaving. I am glad your son will still get to be with Up with People and that they understand. I see you are doing a bit better. Just know you are allways in my prayers.