Coffee of the Day - Pumpkin Spice
Today doesn't have a card, y'all are probably cheering since my last few cards have looked like poo on a stick..... But instead I'm just writing a few words about pressing on when it seems that life is looking like one bleak day after another.
My one year anniversary with cancer is coming up on Valentine's Day, no less. what a day for celebration. that was the day I found that lump last year. it was in the morning before David was heading out for a full day of meetings. we weren't even going to be able to really spend much of Valentine's Day together anyhow. my goodness, how life has changed in the 365 days since then. and not just for me, but also for my family.
I guess that is one thing I didn't realize - what an impact my cancer would have on David and our sons. To say that it turned their worlds upside down, too, would be a gross understatement. They still won't talk to me about it most days, which saddens me. I said from the beginning that I wanted us to have an open communication throughout this entire ordeal. but they typically keep it all bundled up inside. as do I if we're gonna be completely honest about it all.
and so we press on. I really do still try to find the joy in every day. but sometimes it is hard. life isn't easy. we are never promised that it is going to be. it isn't easy to smile when inside I want to cry because my body is falling apart. it isn't easy to go to one dr. appt. after another when I know how much they cost, and the tests are so very expensive. it isn't easy to get called 'mister' time and time again because I no longer look like a woman, even if I do put on pink. it isn't easy to see my family look at me and wonder if I will ever be healthy again. but still we press on.
and I try to craft when I can. I am so thankful for those days I can lose myself in inks and papers and ribbons. what therapy! I can pour my heart, my self into whatever I make. and it feels good, especially when it turns out right. not like the past few projects.
I've tried submitting to magazines again. that has been a bust on one level, in that I have not been accepted so far. well, one project hasn't. it's as if an entire panel of judges is saying to me, "your heart just isn't good enough for us. sorry." So I am trying to decide whether to submit that project to another magazine or not. I have to really stop and think about why I am submitting in the first place.... so there is some hard thinking to do. But thanks to a very kind person, I do have a card ( possibly 2) getting published in a UK magazine this spring.
and so I press on. and I craft because I really really like it. and what it really comes down to is that it doesn't matter if I ever get published or not. it doesn't matter if people drop following my blog (which always makes me sad) I can't be anyone other than who I am. I am an imperfect person who is just trying to get through each day the best I can. I try to find the sunshine and the joy.
Know that you are loved, truly, deeply, my friends! Press on, for whatever it is that you are dealing with. press on.