Coffee of the Day - White Chocolate Coconut
This post has been a long time coming....it's going to be a bit long and nothing crafty about it, so please bear with me. jump right over it if you would like. or just flat out don't read it. won't hurt my feelings any. you do have that right, just as I have the right to type what I choose on my blog. I try to be kind and as positive as I can be during whatever is going on in my life at the time - but let's face it, life is not always easy, kind. or fair. it's our own reaction to it and the choice we make in those responses that makes the differences. Kindness does still matter, folks.
I discovered a few days ago that I have been let go from yet another DT without any notification whatsoever. I get that I am not a constant contributor. you don't have to tell me that. no one knows better than I that I am not the best DT member in town. I have no problem at all with a store or company or challenge blog letting me go, please understand that first and foremost. what I do have a hard time understanding is that this is the 3rd or 4th (I've lost count in the past few months....) DT that has let me go with no communication at all. no emails, no phone calls, no contact. just suddenly I am locked out of a group or removed from the blog site with no advance warning. It seems a bit cold.
In this day and age of instant everything, it only takes 2 or 3 minutes to send an email or text. if that long. I guess I don't understand why everyone thinks that it is acceptable to just ignore the fat bald woman who is sick..... do they think that just because I am dying that my feelings are dead, too?
I am trying the very best I can every day to get through. it is not easy. my family is gone for the summer. I see them for a few short hours on Saturday before they return to Camp. Chemo has made me more sick than you can possibly imagine. We have discovered that there may be permanent damage caused by the chemo treatments, but won't know for certain for several months. I craft when I can because I NEED to. I only wish I could do it more....so I craft as much as I can when I can to try to do my best for the DTs I am still a part of. and because I need to keep my mind as busy as possible to keep from sliding into the black hole of depression. my body feels like crap, but I push myself to stay out of bed as much as possible. yes, I sleep and rest. but if I were to stay in bed as much as I wanted to, I would never get out. and that is mentally not a good place for me to be.....
every time I look in a mirror I am reminded that I am fighting a battle right now. my skin is grey and covered in horrible sores. teeth have fallen out, and the ones I have left are a scary color. obviously I have no hair. I have puffed up life a butterball because of all of the medications given to counteract the reactions to the chemo. my fingernails and toenails are brittle and fall apart. there is nothing feminine about me remaining. I don't recognize this thing in the mirror. cancer truly is a monster and yet people have told me that I am lucky to have it, another that it is a gift from God. no, I don't think it is any of these things.
I MUST look for the blessings every day or this monster will win. I must show my children that there is a reason to smile every day, even if you have to search and search and search to find out what that reason is. so call me silly for finding joy in the birds singing. laugh at me or call me names for enjoying the taste of my coffee.
but understand this, every single person in this world has some kind of mountain they must climb; some kind of battle they must fight, some kind of cross they must carry. and to that person it is a struggle. please understand that even the smallest showing of compassion can lighten the load or give the extra bit of courage to carry on. it takes so little kindness to light the fire of hope. Kindness matters.